i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
