Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Actions speak louder than pants.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
