Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
