i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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