Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
