My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
