Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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