I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
