cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
