My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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