I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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