I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
