the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
