We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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