I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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