Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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