if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Welp...herpes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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