oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
