Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
