im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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