Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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