so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
