If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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