We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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