He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
