i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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