so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
