Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
