I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
