oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my poor anus
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
