This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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