i think i have two assholes
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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