I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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