I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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