If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
