Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
