Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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