A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
