My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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