On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
