I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
