its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
