Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Your penis caused this!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
