I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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