You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
