Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
