I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
