A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
