Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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