I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
